space for the soul

Am so tired but I think I want to write a bit. Actually, I want to write a lot, I want to scream, rant, cry and gosh, am I crazy?! I am not, I suppose my life is best described as a rollercoaster ride, the epitome of happiness one minute, the epitome of sadness the next and more often than not, I find myself at the crossroads, wondering what and how the rest of my life will turn out.

I wonder where did the me I knew before went to? The ambitious go-getter who knew what she wanted and was it the recent setbacks that put out the fire? Have I forgotten my dreams, my ambitions and replaced it with the contentment to have a job that pays the bills and the increasing desire to marry eventually and have kids? I haven't travelled enough, I haven't experienced life to its fullest, I haven't pursued my MBA..... I haven't done so much but yet I feel I am bowing to society's norms and that is suffocating me. I am conforming because I am expected to not because I want to.

It doesn't help that the work comes in unexpected tidal waves of stress and we keep having all these stupid fights/quarrels. I do feel sad and helpless.... I am speechless when he unleashes his stress and anger on me. The old me would have stood up and blasted him with my fiery temper, but the me now only tries to calm him down and reason as best as possible in a calm steady voice. I know he cares a lot more than he would admit and even a casual remark like "I am having a headache again" gets him thinking and trying to figure out what is wrong with me. But, his inability to deal with stress makes it stressful for me and I am too scared to talk.

I even had to resort to deleting him off my facebook just so I could have some space and not feel like he is watching over me. Least of all, have another fight/quarrel over something trivial to me but otherwise to him. I dare not even tell him the truth because I am afraid to tell him I deleted him because I felt like I was choking . He knew I was lying and I think he can guess pretty well why I deleted him. I can write all I want on my blog because its not known to him and many others. I think if I ever lose this little bit of space to myself, I will whittle away. The fight on Sunday morning over why I deleted him ended up with him hurt and on the brink of tears and me crying for most part of Sunday. I dare not tell him I am so stressed having to live up to his expectations of me all the time that I don't recognise myself.

Yes, there's this dull pain in the heart everyday as I face the day with a glossed smiley facade. But only the sharp ones know the smile does not reach the eyes and there is a huge amount of stress beneath the facade. Some days I am afraid to sleep because I have nightmares that are so real that it wakes me up in shock. Most days, the sleep is interrupted and I ended feeling much more tired and stressed out the next day.

I don't know how much stress I can absorb, whether from work, from him, from my own expectations, etc. Its like an erupting volcano.... maybe one day I will quit on my life now and walk away without a word, to another part of the world where I can be myself and I am just a statistic.

"When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.' "~ Unknown