Today, somehow, the misery seems more acute than yesterday. Was it the worseningly grim enviroment around? Or was it that I am helpless in face of the anger and frustrations? Maybe I hated the fact that I was somewhat abandoned, and I had to make it easier for us both? Or I felt this exhaustion at having to stay strong and not feel overwhelmed by the uncertainty ahead?
It didn't help that I had to deal with a whiny kid at work. I really wanted to scream at her in anger but the anger seem to have evaporated into the air. In place was the determination to persuade the kid to be good and not rebel.
Maybe it is delusionary but when I don't think about the misery, everything seems easier and I breathe better. I believe I am stronger than this but today, the misery made me want to cry. I wanted to be irresponsible and irrational but somehow even that I didn't succeed, rather I was the complete opposite and continued to want to live up to expectations until my services were no longer required. I wanted to scream at him for leaving me behind and us having to deal with the stress of distance, but I didn't.
Every single f87king emotion, thought, action were contained within. I wonder how much longer I can keep this up, until the suppressed and repressed becomes unbearable and intolerable.
I want to run away, I really want to today. Am dying from the suffocation soon.
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