Semester V commences in approximately 12 hours. I still cannot decide if I am going to continue or not. I thought I had decided that I was not continuing with the classes on Thursday but why, oh why did I spend the entire Friday and now in a continued dilemma!?! WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!!!
I have no heart to carry on simply because I am in a shitey than shite phase of my life. I hate to whine about it but for someone who cannot plan her life for the next few weeks let alone months, it felt like I had no control over my own life and I feel damn farking lost. For this reason, and trying to recover the ability to have control over my life, had consumed myself. It shouldn't but it did.... I so hate how pathetic I am right now. And I cannot, for the life of me, focus on my Saturday classes anymore. My mind had been off the classes since September or so, I practically struggled through every class till Semester IV ended. Everything that was so easy to my classmates and of which should had been easy to myself, became so farking difficult that I quake in fear that my name would be called and I fail miserably again at what I needed to articulate. I know without being told, I had already flunked the test at the end of Semester IV.
I feel like I should continue on but am so half-hearted in convincing myself that I should. The head had been constantly saying I can do without the extra expenses and given how badly I did for the last 2 months, I should take a break and defer for the time being. The heart had been constantly saying I should not defer and instead carry on, despite all. I have no clue, even until now, do I allow the head to rule over the heart or vice versa.
I still cannot decide and I suspect I won't until later when I wake up. I really don't want to give up yet but I may have to. I guess its the same with all decisions, sometimes you don't really have a choice but when the right thing to do is staring at you in the face, everything pretty much sort of starts falling into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
I have no heart to carry on simply because I am in a shitey than shite phase of my life. I hate to whine about it but for someone who cannot plan her life for the next few weeks let alone months, it felt like I had no control over my own life and I feel damn farking lost. For this reason, and trying to recover the ability to have control over my life, had consumed myself. It shouldn't but it did.... I so hate how pathetic I am right now. And I cannot, for the life of me, focus on my Saturday classes anymore. My mind had been off the classes since September or so, I practically struggled through every class till Semester IV ended. Everything that was so easy to my classmates and of which should had been easy to myself, became so farking difficult that I quake in fear that my name would be called and I fail miserably again at what I needed to articulate. I know without being told, I had already flunked the test at the end of Semester IV.
I feel like I should continue on but am so half-hearted in convincing myself that I should. The head had been constantly saying I can do without the extra expenses and given how badly I did for the last 2 months, I should take a break and defer for the time being. The heart had been constantly saying I should not defer and instead carry on, despite all. I have no clue, even until now, do I allow the head to rule over the heart or vice versa.
I still cannot decide and I suspect I won't until later when I wake up. I really don't want to give up yet but I may have to. I guess its the same with all decisions, sometimes you don't really have a choice but when the right thing to do is staring at you in the face, everything pretty much sort of starts falling into place like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle.
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